I expected the works by gay and lesbian writers to resonate most for me in this course but it seems Herculine Barbin: Being the Recently Discovered Memoirs of a Nineteenth-century French Hermaphrodite has affected most deeply thus far. Of the queer spectrum I was least intersexuality before I took this course. I was apprehensive about reading Herculine because I expected the writing to be self-involved and dry (bad experiences with memoirs!). Instead I found Alexina's writing sincere in such a way that her passion and heartache could easily have been my own. On several occasions I caught myself reading Alexina as a lesbian rather than an intersexual which brought about two questions for me: First, how does Alexina's writing work to prevent me from fixating on her intersexuality and refocus me on the essential humanity of her life? Secondly, if I can relate to someone like Alexina as a lesbian, could I also be sexually attracted? I'd like to focus on Alexina's language in another blog article and opt now for the racier topic. Let's begin hypothetically: if I was a modern day Sara and discovered that Alexina was a hermaphrodite would I continue to feel romantically and sexually about her?
I believe Doctor T.'s reaction to Alexina's genitals offers an honest prediction of how the majority of us might react to such a discovery (or confession). Shock and curiosity or sadly fear and disgust are likely reactions simply because many of us have minimal exposure to concepts and appearances of intersexuality. But what comes next? Throughout Alexina's memoirs I longed to know what Sara might have done if she was given access to the truth. Was Sara a lesbian? At the very least she was attracted to Alexina as a woman. The medical documents that accompany Alexina's memoirs indicate that her genitals and reproductive functioning were the only potential "deviations" from "womanhood" that Sara wouldn't have noticed on her own. Recall that Alexina mentions her excess body hair and unusually masculine build were noticed but accepted or ignored by her female peers. Perhaps Sara did question these things but was able to ignore them for the sake of love.
I believe Doctor T.'s reaction to Alexina's genitals offers an honest prediction of how the majority of us might react to such a discovery (or confession). Shock and curiosity or sadly fear and disgust are likely reactions simply because many of us have minimal exposure to concepts and appearances of intersexuality. But what comes next? Throughout Alexina's memoirs I longed to know what Sara might have done if she was given access to the truth. Was Sara a lesbian? At the very least she was attracted to Alexina as a woman. The medical documents that accompany Alexina's memoirs indicate that her genitals and reproductive functioning were the only potential "deviations" from "womanhood" that Sara wouldn't have noticed on her own. Recall that Alexina mentions her excess body hair and unusually masculine build were noticed but accepted or ignored by her female peers. Perhaps Sara did question these things but was able to ignore them for the sake of love.
In spite of my jaded nature, I truly wanted Sara and Alexina to remain in love. I also wanted to tell myself that I could easily love Alexina unconditionally if I was Sara. I decided to imagine how things might have unfolded for Alexina and I in a modern context and write my thought flow:
"if she met all those criteria i first sought in her as a woman wouldn't it be fine? If when i closed my eyes she still made me feel the same ways, and I felt her in the same ways, wouldn't it be fine?"
When I analyzed my own words I thought to myself: Good. I'm not a total flake; my emotional and sexual self is not threatened by other modes of being. But the thought flow also suggests that I would close my eyes when intimate with Alexina. I read this as evidence that I would need a period of adjustment to be sexually and emotionally comfortable with the new conditions of my romance. There's really no way of knowing without actually being in such a relationship but I'd like to think the amount of energy put into working this out hypothetically is evidence of my openness to gender and sexual diversity and that my apprehensions are honest, not phobic.
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